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When doors all squeak and the windows creak

And the ceilings leak and the roof's antique

If you hear a shriek and your legs feel weak

It's the Haunted House

There's a dismal moan like a weird trombone

And the old hambne is suddenly thrown

You are all alone with the great unknown

In the Haunted House

There's only one good spirit

It's the spirit in the bottle

With shaking hands you pull the cork

And pour some down your throttle

There's a clank of chains and the smell of drains

And a gory stain where the Duke was slain

And you've got chilblains and varicose veins

In the Haunted House

When the old oak beam from the court room seem

To pirouette stream with a sinister gleam

And you wake with a scream from a horrible dream

Of the Haunted House

When a cavalier with a dreadful leer

Tries to disappear from the cheffonier

Everything we feared, to the chandelier

It's the Haunted House

The air is full of clammy claws that catch you by the collar

So gargle night and morning just in case you have to holler

The lights and sprites are awful sights

In flesh pink tights, by the dead of night

Comes a woman in white, so you're quite alright

In the Haunted House

When the old church clock strikes twelve there's a knock

With a sudden shock you remember the lock

On the door there's a knock, oh, why did you mock

At the Haunted House

It's as black as pitch and your eyeballs twitch

And the darkest snitch is a dirty witch

And the lighting switch is out of reach

In the Haunted House

When the slavey spilled the gravy, why is she so pally

Something pulled her in the pantry when she fetched the salad

I'm filled with dread, yes I'm nearly dead

I saw a head underneath my bed

Come out if you can, I could do with a man

In the Haunted House