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I admit that in the past I've been a nasty

They weren't kidding when they called me kind of strange

But you'll find that nowadays

I've mended all my ways

Repented, seen the light, and made a change

And I fortunately know a little magic

It's a talent that I always have possessed

And dear lady, please don't laugh

I use it on behalf

Of the miserable, the lonely, and depressed (pathetic)

Poor unfortunate souls

In pain, in need

This one longing to be thinner

That one wants to get the girl

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad, so true

They come flocking to me crying

"Will you help us, pretty please?"

And I help them

Yes I do

The men up there don't like a lot of blabber

They think a girl who gossips is a bore

Yes, on land it's much preferred for ladies not to say a word

And after all dear, what is idle babble for?

Come on, they're not all that impressed with conversation

True gentlemen avoid it when they can

But they dote and swoon and fawn

On a lady who's withdrawn

It's she who holds her tongue who gets a man

Come on you poor unfortunate soul

Go ahead

Make your choice

I'm a very busy person and I haven't got all day

It won't cost much

Just your voice!

You poor unfortunate soul

It's sad but true

If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet

You've got the pay the toll

Take a gulp and take a breath

And go ahead and sign the scroll

Look out world, here I've got her now

The boss is on a roll

This poor unfortunate soul

Beluga sevruga

Come winds of the Caspian Sea

Larengix glaucitis

Et max laryngitis

La voce to me

Now, sing

Keep singing!

Poor unfortunate souls

In pain, in need

This one longing to be thinner

That one wants to get the girl

And do I help them?

Yes, indeed

Those poor unfortunate souls

So sad, so true

They come flocking to me crying

"Will you help us, pretty please?"

And I help them

Yes I do

Those poor, unfortunate souls!