GWAR Bio

MILLIONS of years ago GWAR rampaged across the galaxy with a gang of Space Pirates called The Scumdogs of the Universe. Falling out of favor with their Master they were imprisoned on the most remote mudball planet in the universe... Earth.



KILLING off the dinosaurs and inadvertantly creating the human race by having sex with apes, GWAR began to influence the development of the planet until after that wild gig in Atlantis when it was decided that they should be entombed in Antarctica to prevent them from screwing up the Earth any worse.



SEVERAL thousand years later Sleazy P. Martini, known pimp, pusher, pornographer, and record business executive for Capitalist Records, accidentaly stumbled into their Antarctic tomb and woke them up. He took them to New York, gave them electric guitars and began to market them as his latest Rock 'n' Roll sensation.



SOME of GWAR's adventures are chronicled in their albums, comics and videos but there are still many GWAR stories waiting to be told.



Where the hell is GWAR? Well fear not, because the mutants at the Slave Pit have been busy ceaselessly toiling for their infernal overlords, preparing a new assault upon the senses of an unknowing world. As the end of the century draws to a close and the new millennia beckons, GWAR and their twisted servants are more determined than ever to make an end of it- not just the end of the earth, or the solar system, or even their own careers- this time GWAR is resolved to KILL EVERYTHING.



This sentiment is roundly echoed on GWAR's new album, entitled cleverly enough, WE KILL EVERYTHING. It seems GWAR, with the help of their new scumdog pal, the dick-headed mystic mutant SCRODA MOON, has discovered an ancient alien artifact capable of either/or/maybe



A) Helping GWAR escape earth

B) Summon and help GWAR to destroy GWAR's cosmic master, who banished them to earth eons ago

C) Blow up the whole universe before lunch

D) Enable GWAR to sell more than three albums

E) None of the above




Unfortunately a small problem immediately manifests itself- as soon as Scroda presents GWAR with this device they smash it over his head, breaking "The Tablet" into multiple bits. Can Gwar harness the cosmic power Porcelain, the Portal-Potty, to summon the missing pieces? Can they overcome the dread guardians of the lost fragments? Will they succeed in getting Scroda to succumb to the temptations of the NitroBurning- Funny-Bong? Does anybody even care? All this and less awaits you as GWAR unleashes another year of confusing hatred!!!!!



But enough drug-drenched reverie. This year marks the 14th anniversary of Slave Pit Inc., the production company that creates the music, props, costumes, artwork, comics, videos, and film that have made GWAR what it is today (whatever that is). "We Kill Everything" is GWAR's 7th full-length album, and features a return to the more punk and thrash sounds that began GWAR's rise to mediocrity with the Classic album "Hell- o", over ten years ago. Like a kind of musical herpes, GWAR just continues to get bigger and uglier, defying critics and fans alike in their defiant quest to avoid getting real jobs for as long as possible.



The Slaves of the Pit have many new suprises for their loyal legions of drooling followers- like Slave Pit Funnies, the original, full color comic book written and drawn by the guys in GWAR, which reaches it's glorious Vth issue, still going strong and threatening to do so forever. And the Pit is super psyched to announce that 1999 will see the first GWAR lead miniature game. That's right, Slave Pit and Demonblade Games have joined forces to create an awesome miniature wargame featuring all of the major GWAR characters in a pulpifying fight to the death! And that's not all! This summer Slave Pit will begin production on "It's Sleazy", it's first mini-movie since "Skullhedface". Sleazy P. Martini is back with his own talk show, featuring his #1 topic- you guessed-it-GWAR! You -have been warned!



So as the 20th century lurches to it's bloody conclusion, freaks everywhere can revel in the knowledge that not only is GWAR refusing to quit, if anything they are growing more fanatical and blood-mad in their endless quest to conquer the universe and subject all humanity to total slavery! Buy the new album, comic, video, and wargame! Continue your mindless devotion to GWAR and Slave Pit, so they can continue to bring you the sick fun you crave! And watch out- for in May of 1999 GWAR will board the dreaded bat shaped helicopter for their most destructive and sickening tour yet. GWAR is coming to your town soon!!!!!!!!!!